He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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