i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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