So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
