he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize