I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
