Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
