quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
