i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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