At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
