I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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