hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
