you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
