When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
