Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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