If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
