Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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