Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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