dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
