I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize