So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
