i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
