just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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