I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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