My sheets look like a crime scene.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
