i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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