i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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