first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
