I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
