Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
