Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
