The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
