I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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