I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
