apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
