I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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