My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
