Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
