Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
