i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
