Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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