Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize