Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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