i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
