but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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