he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
