shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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