therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
