I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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