when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
