FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
