My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
