I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Bring me that man meat
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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