I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
