Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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